Kris Allan = The Taylor Hicks of 2009

Hey hey, smutlings! So did you catch the Idol-o-rama lovefest last night? Of course you did, you addicts!

Now as everyone knows, the underwhelming underdog overtook the drama queen last night. Surprising? Kind of, but not really. As I predicted. That's what America is like. For us who are internationally inclined, let's translate this into simple American logic, shall we? You see, in America, Different = THREATENING. They're not gonna pick the gay sexually ambiguous glam rocker to be the American Idol. Oh hells no! So was Kris Allan deserving of the title of "American Idol 2009". No way, not by a long shot. Is he talented? Of course. There's no denying Allan's artistry. But in terms of performance and vocal ability, and just overall entertainment value, Adam deserved that title. Hands down. Gurl worked it all season! Kris is too bland to wear such a heavy crown, and besides, that crown is too sparkly... it wouldn't match his wardrobe no matter how well his stylists try to dress him.

Anywhoo, my thoughts about the show? Overall, it was entertaining. Much more so than previous years. However, they need to cut that shit down to ONE HOUR. The first 45 minutes was as boring as hell! Who needs to hear from Mikalah Gordon reporting from the Kris Allan lovefest in Conway, Arkansas?!? Um, not me! Nor does the rest of America and the rest of the world! The Idol group numbers were craptacular as always... the title of their first number "So What" summed it up best. And there were thirteen?!? Gawd, how we quickly forgotten. Over half of them up on that stage I didn't give two hoots about. At all.

But there were definitely HIGHlights amidst the drivel. Less Paula = more entertainment! WOW! Who would've thunk it. And the blind guy Scott McIntyre didn't have a solo! Whoa, was that discrimination?!? Nope, just a wise choice for the sake of entertainment. I don't think I could've taken hearing another bland vocal rendition from him. The return of Norman Gentle and Bikini Girl was fun, especially Bikini Girl's blatant boob job that Seacrest pointed out rather bluntly, and the Kara DioGuardi sing-off that ensued, with Kara pummeling that bimbette vocally to the ground and then flashing off her somewhat bangin' bod at the end of the song (for "charity", of course. Girl, you got a flat stomach! SHOW IT OFF! Don't use charity to justify showing off your assets! If you got it, flaunt it, no matter how much it costed ya!). And the whole Tatiana Del Toro appearance was totally staged, even though Seacrest tried hard to make it seem like an awkward, random "steal the spotlight cuz I'm f*cking Tatiana Del Toro-I-don't-have-to-sleep-with-anyone-to-get-my-CD-out-cuz-I'm-a-damn-good-vocalist" moment. Allison and Cyndi Lauper was a treat to watch, however the shriekfest with Megan Joy and Michael Sarver with Steve Martin on banjo was an awkward folk disaster. Speaking of awkward, what was up with the Gokey's performance with Lionel Richie?!? It was like Gokey didn't know when or where he should sing! Plus Gokey should NOT wear such tight jeans. He's too middle-aged looking for the slim fits, even if they do say "Levis" on them. Fire that stylist who exposed our retinas to such a fashion atrocity!!!

And the GLAMBERT! Guuuuuurl, those were some mighty fierce shoulder cages! And those shoes! Adam definitely brought the ferocity last night. And his number with KISS?!? GLAMTASTIC! It was so entertaining, I had to use a whole roll of extra-strength Bounty to mop up the drool that poured out of my gaping mouth. Now the duet with Adam and Kris on "We Are The Champions" (with Queen actually rocking out with them)was great, only because Adam sang CIRCLES around Kris! Adam OWNED that song and that moment, whereas Kris served as his lowly lacklustre backup singer.

Then came the coronation moment. Kris was announced as the winner of AI 2009. Adam smiles and politely sashays stage right. Kris is aghast at the announcement, and the first thing that comes out of his mouth is that the title should be Adam's! EVEN HE REALIZED THAT HE WAS NOT WORTHY! But the damage has been done, America. Just as you voted TWICE for a lame-ass president who flushed your country down the crapper, you voted for the most lacklustre Idol winner in all eight seasons that this pop-monster has been broadcast over the airwaves. That's why I dub Kris Allan as this year's Taylor Hicks. But that's an overstatement, cuz at least Taylor had this quirky "soul patrol" persona (which I still don't understand) that he brought to the Idol stage. But like Taylor, Kris' Idol reign will soon fade. Kris will fill his niche of adult contempo radio stations nationwide before fading into obscurity, whereas Adam will be selling out stadiums and performing to grand aplomb...with rhinestones! And pyro! LOTS OF PYRO!!!

Soak in that glittery confetti and shower of fireworks, Kris Allan fans, cuz that's all you'll get when it comes to whiz-bang spectacles. Kiss those goodbye when Kris comes to perform in a city near you post-Idol tour!

But yet, Adam, in his loss, is shown smiling with glee... at least he doesn't have to have that craptacular Kara song "No Boundaries" as his first single! And that's a HUGE reason to smile about!