VIVA GLAMbert!

Hey hey scouts of smut, now did y'all watch the absolutely cheesetacular final showdown on American Idol last night?!? DROOLWORTHY!

Now I'm gonna keep it short 'n sweet. ROLL RECAP!

ROUND ONE: Fave Idol Performance

Adam Lambert went first: Did repeat performance of "Mad World". Dramatic elevator entrance with long trenchcoat and lots of smoke... ooh, vampish! Theatrics = 10/10, Vocals = not as chilling as the first time he did it, but great (9/10?). Overall effect = Stage diva. LOVED IT!

Kris Allan next. Repeat performance of "Ain't No Sunshine". His keyboard skills + buttery vocals = great performance. Simon declares this round goes to Kris. Overall effect = 10/10

ROUND TWO: (Idol creator) Simon Fuller's choice

Adam: Cover of Sam Cooke's "A Change is Gonna Come". Moving and vunerable with mad, crazy vocals. It was like he was singing it for all the gays! All we needed was some gay flags and some crying drag queens in the corner of the stage. But overall, very moving. 10/10. Paula is incoherent as always... but bangin' in that green dress! GO VODKA AND VICODIN!!! WOOOO!!!

Kris: Cover of "What's Goin' On?". Kris jams with some musicians in this indie-rock jamboree session. Simon thought it was boring. We all did, too. Overall, good, but boring. MINI FAIL. (6/10)

ROUND THREE: The requisite Idol song...

And here comes "No Boundaries". Surprise, surprise, Kara DioGuardi co-wrote this song... and it SUCKED!!! ABSOLUTELY THE WORST IDOL SONG IN THE HISTORY OF IDOL. HURRICANES?!? WTF, KARA?!? COMPLETELY SHITEOUS!!!

Adam: Tried what he could. Infused his shrill, mad vocals into it. Couldn't save the tragedy of this song. A valiant effort. Simon told him that he is a world-class star, and hints to America that he should win AI this year.

Kris: The song consumed him, he flubbed a line, he couldn't hit the high notes, but yet the song suited his voice better. Weird. When you f-up a song that bad and it made you sound good? That's a bad song! Wait, that's GENIUS! (Kris is thanking Kara and Co as we speak!). Anyway, the judges congratulated him on his effort. Really, they were telling America in a subtle way that Kris deserves 2nd place.

Now who will win? Who knows? Will Adam ride in on a fabulous cloud of stage smoke amidst a rainshower of glittery confetti to claim his Idol crown like a true prom queen? Or will middle America rear its mighty conservative head and declare Kris the bland but dependable keeper of the title of American Idol 2009?

BTW, gotta love the occasional pans to the Idol loser holding pen. The looks on their faces = priceless! And epic fail to Carrie Underwood. I absolutely HATED her delivery of the Idol farewell song. "I'm on my WEEE-EH-EH"... puhleaze! Spare our ears from this atrocity. Plus she seemed like an arrogant C U next Tuesday up there. Ah, how fame can make you a scary, cold country biatch... I wonder how many people she bitched out in order to get her microphone bedazzled?

But back to the competition, I'm thinking Kris will win cuz America is f-d up like that, but in my heart I want the diva to win... Thoughts?!?