Wednesday, May 13, 2009

And then there were two...

Hey hey pop-loving minions,

So I just finished watching the American Idol results show, and although it wasn't nearly as ridiculously entertaining as last week's results show where we witnessed the hot mess that only Paula Abdul can bring, it was still full o' the rank cheese that the Idol franchise dishes out. Just what us smutjunkies love!!! ¡Delicioso!

Cheap plug for the new Night at the Museum movie by Ben Stiller and Co. And it's crazy that the old Idol desk is going into the Smithsonian. Isn't that place full of crap already? We don't need to fill it with any more. Cue the crappy Ford Idol commercial, featuring a craptacular hybrid of comic book animation and live action footage... um, it worked for A-Ha, not so much for the Idols. Then Alicia Keys comes out to plug charity for kids in Africa, and to make a Rwandan kid's dream come true by letting little Noah sing "World's Greatest" on the Idol stage. So. Cute. As entertaining as the performance was, I couldn't stop looking at Alicia's legs! WOW. WOW. WOW. Girl's got stems, y'all! And they were SHINY! You know that gurl moisturizes like nobody's business. Based on her legs alone, you know she raised a lot of money that night! 

This week we were spared a group number from the final three (thank GAWD) but we weren't spared the cheesy homecoming montages . Oh yes, it's HOMECOMING WEEK on Idol, where the three remaining finalists return home to be showered with ticker tape parades, overly perky cheerleaders, and rabid fans. Oh yes, these Idols now have to learn how to deal with the craaaazy that only fandom can bestow.

So first up was Danny "the hokey" Gokey. Hokey Gokey showed up in Milwaukee to a bazillion fans waiting outside of an AT&T store. WHO THE F*CK ARE THESE PEOPLE?!? Ten months ago they didn't even know of him, yet alone CARED for what he did. But there they were... screaming, weeping tears of joy/blood... They went BAT SHIT CRAZY for the Gokey. One sad, sad fat girl was crying so bad, saying "thank you"... it was so pitiful. What was even more sad was the loony girl that was booking it after Danny's limo speeding down the street! She was so tragic... wearing this gawdy disco-ball inspired top, a pink feather boa and carrying this cheap fluorescent posterboard sign exalting her Gokey love in dollar store glitter, Elmer's glue, and magic marker that smells like blueberry. But I gotta hand it to her... she was BOOKING it! Put that crazy bitch on the US Olympic team and dangle Danny Gokey on a hook at the finish line... you'll see some Olympic records being shattered FOR SURE. But back to Danny, he reunited with his so-called best friend Jamar who he sorta sold out for the Idol machine when Danny was chosen by the Idol Foursome (i.e. judges) over Jamar. But there was Jamar, milking all the publicity like the famewhore he is. SOAK IT IN JAMAR, cuz it won't last long. Cue mandatory radio station appearance. Cue Gokey throwing the first pitch at a baseball game. Cue awkward local Fox TV station weather report stint (with them poking Simon Cowell's face floating on a stormcloud... weird, but not funny). Cue parade. Cue Gokey tears. Cue another bazillion batshit crazy fans watching Gokey receive a plaque from the mayor, followed by a raspy, blasé Gokey performance. Cue more Gokey tears. Boo hoo.

Now it's Kris Allan's turn. In true rock star fashion, he lands in Little Rock, Arkansas in a private jet AT NIGHT, and is accosted by giddy, prepubescent fans at the Fox studios. Now who was the genius at the station that let all those hyper over-sugarized kids into the studio during a live broadcast?!? Don't they know kids and very expensive video equipment don't mix?!? The next morning he goes to a radio station, then an AT&T store appearance. WTF, Idol?! Just cuz they're your sponsor, doesn't mean you have to degrade their superstardom by making them appear at a lame store appearance. Sure, give them a phone, plaster the AT&T corporate logo on the stage/video screens behind them, but DON'T lowbrow them with a cheap appearance in a store parking lot. Geez. Then he shows up at his family's house in Conway and meets up with his huge-ass family and his overly emotional dad. Aww. He made daddy proud. Then off to an appearance at his college before the cheesy ticker-tape parade and performance in Conway. More batshit crazy fans. More tears (from his mom, this time). Kris remains calm. Now that's how you handle fame, y'all. Classy.

Then Season 6 Idol winner, Jordin Sparks took to the stage to perform her new single "Battlefield". And hey, Teddy Riley from OneRepublic is on the piano! So Jordin comes out looking all fierce, wearing this black sparkly one-piece. Her performance was like Beyoncé lite. A Sasha Fierceling, if you will. I bet Beyoncé would be pissed to see Jordin steal her moves. And the stage was once again flooded with smoke... I guess there was an excess of fog-machine smoke left over from Paula Abdul's lipsynch-ridden performance last week. But Jordin worked it out. And it was good. *End performance with fierce pose and stare into the camera*

Now it's Adam gLambert's turn for fan adoration. He arrived in San Diego to nobody but a white limo. SHOCKING! Then after a police escort to the local Fox station, he was accosted by the first group of bazillion batshit crazies. Weather report? Done. Radio station? Did that too. AT&T store appearance? Done (ugh). Batshit crazies? EVERYWHERE. Then Adam went off to the Metropolitan Educational Theatre to inspire the youth of tomorrow. Then this cute little boy asks Adam how he got so good at singing and dancing. So Adam dispenses his words of wisdom onto this kid by telling him that he started really young and that you have to keep practicing and keep doing it. What Adam WISHES he could've told him was to keep raiding your mom's clothes closet and makeup stash, and keep singing into those hairbrushes in front of the bathroom mirror... keep doing that, and you'll be a STAR! GLAMOROUS!!! Then he arrived at Mt. Carmel High School to a gazillion batshit crazy fans and perky cheerleaders, and was accosted by a streaker who decided to pull her top off and charge tits-first at his glam-ass. Now the LOOK of fear on the gLambert's face when that crazy bitch's tits were coming at him full-force was PRICELESS! Then they whisk him off to the Marine Corp Air Station Miramar to sing "The Star Spangled Banner"?!? WTF?!? When he sang, he looked afraid. Like the whole "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy suddenly applied to him. Geez, Idol, you know how to keep the gays quiet, don't you? But as glamorous as Adam is, his homecoming was somewhat lackluster. Shame on you, Idol producers! We wanted to see the drag queens and go-go boys and rainbow flags a-waving!!! A TRUE ADAM LAMBERT HOMECOMING! Oh well, Adam will win this whole shebang in the end, so it doesn't matter. 

Then Seacrest tries to incite some suspense out of the audience and a mild bit of torture out of the three remaining Idol boys before cueing Katy Perry. Danny, sensing that his demise is near, babbles about getting this thing all over with, then Adam interrupts and gleefully shouts out "I wanna see Katy Perry!" Ah, bless his queer little heart!

Cue Katy Perry wearing an Elvis-inspired sequined corset-lingerie number and a cape that read "Adam Lambert". NICE! That just made Adam wet his pants. She performed her latest single "Waking Up in Vegas" amidst four Vegas showgirls. Very flashy. Performance was entertaining.

After the break, finally they revealed who would be competing in the finale. First contestant competing: Kris! He looked shocked. Genuinely shocked. The second contestant: Adam. No surprise there, but for a second Adam's chances of upsetting the Gokey's rabid fanbase seemed slim to none. But he deservingly moved into the finals, leaving Gokey in the dust. Cue lame farewell montage. Nothing sounds better than the demise of Gokey serenaded by Carrie Underwood. Ahh... But then he tortures us again with his lauded, but LAME, performance of "You Are So Beautiful". GAWD Danny, why do you have to do this to us! Oh how you torture us so. Good riddance. Then Simon ends the show telling Adam something about a "big ding dong" for him. And we all know Adam REALLY likes that! :P

Well there you have it. One week away from crowning the next Idol. More cheese. More drawn out drama over oodles of product placements and cheesetastic filler. Can't wait!

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