Kris Allan = The Taylor Hicks of 2009

Hey hey, smutlings! So did you catch the Idol-o-rama lovefest last night? Of course you did, you addicts!

Now as everyone knows, the underwhelming underdog overtook the drama queen last night. Surprising? Kind of, but not really. As I predicted. That's what America is like. For us who are internationally inclined, let's translate this into simple American logic, shall we? You see, in America, Different = THREATENING. They're not gonna pick the gay sexually ambiguous glam rocker to be the American Idol. Oh hells no! So was Kris Allan deserving of the title of "American Idol 2009". No way, not by a long shot. Is he talented? Of course. There's no denying Allan's artistry. But in terms of performance and vocal ability, and just overall entertainment value, Adam deserved that title. Hands down. Gurl worked it all season! Kris is too bland to wear such a heavy crown, and besides, that crown is too sparkly... it wouldn't match his wardrobe no matter how well his stylists try to dress him.

Anywhoo, my thoughts about the show? Overall, it was entertaining. Much more so than previous years. However, they need to cut that shit down to ONE HOUR. The first 45 minutes was as boring as hell! Who needs to hear from Mikalah Gordon reporting from the Kris Allan lovefest in Conway, Arkansas?!? Um, not me! Nor does the rest of America and the rest of the world! The Idol group numbers were craptacular as always... the title of their first number "So What" summed it up best. And there were thirteen?!? Gawd, how we quickly forgotten. Over half of them up on that stage I didn't give two hoots about. At all.

But there were definitely HIGHlights amidst the drivel. Less Paula = more entertainment! WOW! Who would've thunk it. And the blind guy Scott McIntyre didn't have a solo! Whoa, was that discrimination?!? Nope, just a wise choice for the sake of entertainment. I don't think I could've taken hearing another bland vocal rendition from him. The return of Norman Gentle and Bikini Girl was fun, especially Bikini Girl's blatant boob job that Seacrest pointed out rather bluntly, and the Kara DioGuardi sing-off that ensued, with Kara pummeling that bimbette vocally to the ground and then flashing off her somewhat bangin' bod at the end of the song (for "charity", of course. Girl, you got a flat stomach! SHOW IT OFF! Don't use charity to justify showing off your assets! If you got it, flaunt it, no matter how much it costed ya!). And the whole Tatiana Del Toro appearance was totally staged, even though Seacrest tried hard to make it seem like an awkward, random "steal the spotlight cuz I'm f*cking Tatiana Del Toro-I-don't-have-to-sleep-with-anyone-to-get-my-CD-out-cuz-I'm-a-damn-good-vocalist" moment. Allison and Cyndi Lauper was a treat to watch, however the shriekfest with Megan Joy and Michael Sarver with Steve Martin on banjo was an awkward folk disaster. Speaking of awkward, what was up with the Gokey's performance with Lionel Richie?!? It was like Gokey didn't know when or where he should sing! Plus Gokey should NOT wear such tight jeans. He's too middle-aged looking for the slim fits, even if they do say "Levis" on them. Fire that stylist who exposed our retinas to such a fashion atrocity!!!

And the GLAMBERT! Guuuuuurl, those were some mighty fierce shoulder cages! And those shoes! Adam definitely brought the ferocity last night. And his number with KISS?!? GLAMTASTIC! It was so entertaining, I had to use a whole roll of extra-strength Bounty to mop up the drool that poured out of my gaping mouth. Now the duet with Adam and Kris on "We Are The Champions" (with Queen actually rocking out with them)was great, only because Adam sang CIRCLES around Kris! Adam OWNED that song and that moment, whereas Kris served as his lowly lacklustre backup singer.

Then came the coronation moment. Kris was announced as the winner of AI 2009. Adam smiles and politely sashays stage right. Kris is aghast at the announcement, and the first thing that comes out of his mouth is that the title should be Adam's! EVEN HE REALIZED THAT HE WAS NOT WORTHY! But the damage has been done, America. Just as you voted TWICE for a lame-ass president who flushed your country down the crapper, you voted for the most lacklustre Idol winner in all eight seasons that this pop-monster has been broadcast over the airwaves. That's why I dub Kris Allan as this year's Taylor Hicks. But that's an overstatement, cuz at least Taylor had this quirky "soul patrol" persona (which I still don't understand) that he brought to the Idol stage. But like Taylor, Kris' Idol reign will soon fade. Kris will fill his niche of adult contempo radio stations nationwide before fading into obscurity, whereas Adam will be selling out stadiums and performing to grand aplomb...with rhinestones! And pyro! LOTS OF PYRO!!!

Soak in that glittery confetti and shower of fireworks, Kris Allan fans, cuz that's all you'll get when it comes to whiz-bang spectacles. Kiss those goodbye when Kris comes to perform in a city near you post-Idol tour!

But yet, Adam, in his loss, is shown smiling with glee... at least he doesn't have to have that craptacular Kara song "No Boundaries" as his first single! And that's a HUGE reason to smile about!

VIVA GLAMbert!

Hey hey scouts of smut, now did y'all watch the absolutely cheesetacular final showdown on American Idol last night?!? DROOLWORTHY!

Now I'm gonna keep it short 'n sweet. ROLL RECAP!

ROUND ONE: Fave Idol Performance

Adam Lambert went first: Did repeat performance of "Mad World". Dramatic elevator entrance with long trenchcoat and lots of smoke... ooh, vampish! Theatrics = 10/10, Vocals = not as chilling as the first time he did it, but great (9/10?). Overall effect = Stage diva. LOVED IT!

Kris Allan next. Repeat performance of "Ain't No Sunshine". His keyboard skills + buttery vocals = great performance. Simon declares this round goes to Kris. Overall effect = 10/10

ROUND TWO: (Idol creator) Simon Fuller's choice

Adam: Cover of Sam Cooke's "A Change is Gonna Come". Moving and vunerable with mad, crazy vocals. It was like he was singing it for all the gays! All we needed was some gay flags and some crying drag queens in the corner of the stage. But overall, very moving. 10/10. Paula is incoherent as always... but bangin' in that green dress! GO VODKA AND VICODIN!!! WOOOO!!!

Kris: Cover of "What's Goin' On?". Kris jams with some musicians in this indie-rock jamboree session. Simon thought it was boring. We all did, too. Overall, good, but boring. MINI FAIL. (6/10)

ROUND THREE: The requisite Idol song...

And here comes "No Boundaries". Surprise, surprise, Kara DioGuardi co-wrote this song... and it SUCKED!!! ABSOLUTELY THE WORST IDOL SONG IN THE HISTORY OF IDOL. HURRICANES?!? WTF, KARA?!? COMPLETELY SHITEOUS!!!

Adam: Tried what he could. Infused his shrill, mad vocals into it. Couldn't save the tragedy of this song. A valiant effort. Simon told him that he is a world-class star, and hints to America that he should win AI this year.

Kris: The song consumed him, he flubbed a line, he couldn't hit the high notes, but yet the song suited his voice better. Weird. When you f-up a song that bad and it made you sound good? That's a bad song! Wait, that's GENIUS! (Kris is thanking Kara and Co as we speak!). Anyway, the judges congratulated him on his effort. Really, they were telling America in a subtle way that Kris deserves 2nd place.

Now who will win? Who knows? Will Adam ride in on a fabulous cloud of stage smoke amidst a rainshower of glittery confetti to claim his Idol crown like a true prom queen? Or will middle America rear its mighty conservative head and declare Kris the bland but dependable keeper of the title of American Idol 2009?

BTW, gotta love the occasional pans to the Idol loser holding pen. The looks on their faces = priceless! And epic fail to Carrie Underwood. I absolutely HATED her delivery of the Idol farewell song. "I'm on my WEEE-EH-EH"... puhleaze! Spare our ears from this atrocity. Plus she seemed like an arrogant C U next Tuesday up there. Ah, how fame can make you a scary, cold country biatch... I wonder how many people she bitched out in order to get her microphone bedazzled?

But back to the competition, I'm thinking Kris will win cuz America is f-d up like that, but in my heart I want the diva to win... Thoughts?!?

And then there were two...

Hey hey pop-loving minions,

So I just finished watching the American Idol results show, and although it wasn't nearly as ridiculously entertaining as last week's results show where we witnessed the hot mess that only Paula Abdul can bring, it was still full o' the rank cheese that the Idol franchise dishes out. Just what us smutjunkies love!!! ¡Delicioso!

Cheap plug for the new Night at the Museum movie by Ben Stiller and Co. And it's crazy that the old Idol desk is going into the Smithsonian. Isn't that place full of crap already? We don't need to fill it with any more. Cue the crappy Ford Idol commercial, featuring a craptacular hybrid of comic book animation and live action footage... um, it worked for A-Ha, not so much for the Idols. Then Alicia Keys comes out to plug charity for kids in Africa, and to make a Rwandan kid's dream come true by letting little Noah sing "World's Greatest" on the Idol stage. So. Cute. As entertaining as the performance was, I couldn't stop looking at Alicia's legs! WOW. WOW. WOW. Girl's got stems, y'all! And they were SHINY! You know that gurl moisturizes like nobody's business. Based on her legs alone, you know she raised a lot of money that night! 

This week we were spared a group number from the final three (thank GAWD) but we weren't spared the cheesy homecoming montages . Oh yes, it's HOMECOMING WEEK on Idol, where the three remaining finalists return home to be showered with ticker tape parades, overly perky cheerleaders, and rabid fans. Oh yes, these Idols now have to learn how to deal with the craaaazy that only fandom can bestow.

So first up was Danny "the hokey" Gokey. Hokey Gokey showed up in Milwaukee to a bazillion fans waiting outside of an AT&T store. WHO THE F*CK ARE THESE PEOPLE?!? Ten months ago they didn't even know of him, yet alone CARED for what he did. But there they were... screaming, weeping tears of joy/blood... They went BAT SHIT CRAZY for the Gokey. One sad, sad fat girl was crying so bad, saying "thank you"... it was so pitiful. What was even more sad was the loony girl that was booking it after Danny's limo speeding down the street! She was so tragic... wearing this gawdy disco-ball inspired top, a pink feather boa and carrying this cheap fluorescent posterboard sign exalting her Gokey love in dollar store glitter, Elmer's glue, and magic marker that smells like blueberry. But I gotta hand it to her... she was BOOKING it! Put that crazy bitch on the US Olympic team and dangle Danny Gokey on a hook at the finish line... you'll see some Olympic records being shattered FOR SURE. But back to Danny, he reunited with his so-called best friend Jamar who he sorta sold out for the Idol machine when Danny was chosen by the Idol Foursome (i.e. judges) over Jamar. But there was Jamar, milking all the publicity like the famewhore he is. SOAK IT IN JAMAR, cuz it won't last long. Cue mandatory radio station appearance. Cue Gokey throwing the first pitch at a baseball game. Cue awkward local Fox TV station weather report stint (with them poking Simon Cowell's face floating on a stormcloud... weird, but not funny). Cue parade. Cue Gokey tears. Cue another bazillion batshit crazy fans watching Gokey receive a plaque from the mayor, followed by a raspy, blasé Gokey performance. Cue more Gokey tears. Boo hoo.

Now it's Kris Allan's turn. In true rock star fashion, he lands in Little Rock, Arkansas in a private jet AT NIGHT, and is accosted by giddy, prepubescent fans at the Fox studios. Now who was the genius at the station that let all those hyper over-sugarized kids into the studio during a live broadcast?!? Don't they know kids and very expensive video equipment don't mix?!? The next morning he goes to a radio station, then an AT&T store appearance. WTF, Idol?! Just cuz they're your sponsor, doesn't mean you have to degrade their superstardom by making them appear at a lame store appearance. Sure, give them a phone, plaster the AT&T corporate logo on the stage/video screens behind them, but DON'T lowbrow them with a cheap appearance in a store parking lot. Geez. Then he shows up at his family's house in Conway and meets up with his huge-ass family and his overly emotional dad. Aww. He made daddy proud. Then off to an appearance at his college before the cheesy ticker-tape parade and performance in Conway. More batshit crazy fans. More tears (from his mom, this time). Kris remains calm. Now that's how you handle fame, y'all. Classy.

Then Season 6 Idol winner, Jordin Sparks took to the stage to perform her new single "Battlefield". And hey, Teddy Riley from OneRepublic is on the piano! So Jordin comes out looking all fierce, wearing this black sparkly one-piece. Her performance was like Beyoncé lite. A Sasha Fierceling, if you will. I bet Beyoncé would be pissed to see Jordin steal her moves. And the stage was once again flooded with smoke... I guess there was an excess of fog-machine smoke left over from Paula Abdul's lipsynch-ridden performance last week. But Jordin worked it out. And it was good. *End performance with fierce pose and stare into the camera*

Now it's Adam gLambert's turn for fan adoration. He arrived in San Diego to nobody but a white limo. SHOCKING! Then after a police escort to the local Fox station, he was accosted by the first group of bazillion batshit crazies. Weather report? Done. Radio station? Did that too. AT&T store appearance? Done (ugh). Batshit crazies? EVERYWHERE. Then Adam went off to the Metropolitan Educational Theatre to inspire the youth of tomorrow. Then this cute little boy asks Adam how he got so good at singing and dancing. So Adam dispenses his words of wisdom onto this kid by telling him that he started really young and that you have to keep practicing and keep doing it. What Adam WISHES he could've told him was to keep raiding your mom's clothes closet and makeup stash, and keep singing into those hairbrushes in front of the bathroom mirror... keep doing that, and you'll be a STAR! GLAMOROUS!!! Then he arrived at Mt. Carmel High School to a gazillion batshit crazy fans and perky cheerleaders, and was accosted by a streaker who decided to pull her top off and charge tits-first at his glam-ass. Now the LOOK of fear on the gLambert's face when that crazy bitch's tits were coming at him full-force was PRICELESS! Then they whisk him off to the Marine Corp Air Station Miramar to sing "The Star Spangled Banner"?!? WTF?!? When he sang, he looked afraid. Like the whole "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy suddenly applied to him. Geez, Idol, you know how to keep the gays quiet, don't you? But as glamorous as Adam is, his homecoming was somewhat lackluster. Shame on you, Idol producers! We wanted to see the drag queens and go-go boys and rainbow flags a-waving!!! A TRUE ADAM LAMBERT HOMECOMING! Oh well, Adam will win this whole shebang in the end, so it doesn't matter. 

Then Seacrest tries to incite some suspense out of the audience and a mild bit of torture out of the three remaining Idol boys before cueing Katy Perry. Danny, sensing that his demise is near, babbles about getting this thing all over with, then Adam interrupts and gleefully shouts out "I wanna see Katy Perry!" Ah, bless his queer little heart!

Cue Katy Perry wearing an Elvis-inspired sequined corset-lingerie number and a cape that read "Adam Lambert". NICE! That just made Adam wet his pants. She performed her latest single "Waking Up in Vegas" amidst four Vegas showgirls. Very flashy. Performance was entertaining.

After the break, finally they revealed who would be competing in the finale. First contestant competing: Kris! He looked shocked. Genuinely shocked. The second contestant: Adam. No surprise there, but for a second Adam's chances of upsetting the Gokey's rabid fanbase seemed slim to none. But he deservingly moved into the finals, leaving Gokey in the dust. Cue lame farewell montage. Nothing sounds better than the demise of Gokey serenaded by Carrie Underwood. Ahh... But then he tortures us again with his lauded, but LAME, performance of "You Are So Beautiful". GAWD Danny, why do you have to do this to us! Oh how you torture us so. Good riddance. Then Simon ends the show telling Adam something about a "big ding dong" for him. And we all know Adam REALLY likes that! :P

Well there you have it. One week away from crowning the next Idol. More cheese. More drawn out drama over oodles of product placements and cheesetastic filler. Can't wait!