Tuesday, June 9, 2009

The "S" is for SH*T

Hey hey, citizens of smut! MasterJay here again... yeah, I know, my blogging schedule needs to be RAMPED UP. Busy, yet again. I apologize. Profusely.

Anywhoo, yesterday the Worldwide Developers Conference (WWDC) opened in San Francisco yesterday, where Apple was peddling its latest goodies. The new MacBooks/MacBook Pro, the latest OSX update, Snow Leopard (hehe...what kitty will they use next? I'm hoping it's COUGAR! Mmmraw! Feisty!), and the latest OS update for the Jesus phone iPhone, the long-awaited iPhone 3.0 (cut-and-paste! FINALLY! MMS! WOOT!)

But the biggie (?) announcement was this year's update to the iPhone 3G. Yes, here it is folks: the iPhone 3G S! Whaaaa? S???? How LAME is that name?!? Apparently, the "S" is for... wait for it... SPEEEEEEEEED! Yippee. Big fucking wow. Yep, apparently even though the phone looks EXACTLY like the iPhone 3G (YAWN), it's twice as fast. Yep. The "S" is for Speed. What a FUCKING meh-tacular moniker. Fire the person who came up with that. More like the "S" is for "SUCKS", as in SUCKS ASS. The "S" is for SHIT. The "S" is for SO FUCKING CHEAP, like this is the MOST SORRY EXCUSE FOR A HARDWARE UPDATE. EVER.

But that's not all it does. In addition to the iPhone 3.0 goodies such as cut-and-paste, or MMS messaging (which AT&T in the States will not be making available until sometime after the launch... SUCKERS!), the iPhone 3G S has Voice Command features (FINALLY) and a 3.0 megapixel camera with autofocus and VGA video capturing abilities at 30fps. Not only that, but you can edit videos on the fly. Wow, home-made porn made EASY! Bring on the celeb sex tapes!

There's even a built-in compass that will reorient maps for you whichever way you're facing. Oh, and they finally put in the Nike+ stuff for those who like to run, Nike-style. Did I just hear you yawning? Thought so.

So is it worth upgrading? If you have the original first-gen iPhone, hell yeah. But if you have the iPhone 3G, it's not worth the couple of hundred dollars. Current 3G owners will get most of the goodies that the 3G S will get when the iPhone 3.0 software update releases on June 17, so it'll essentially be the same.

But what about the new goodies? The magnetometer/compass? The voice commands? The video capabilities? Yawn, yawn, yawn. For a company like Apple, who prides themselves on revolutionary updates, this seems like a cheap update at best. It's such a yawnfest. Even I'm getting bored of my iPhone, and I've barely had it for a year. WE WANT DIFFERENT! WE WANT SOMETHING TECHTACULARLY EXCITING!

Apple, you've failed me. I wish I knew how to quit you...

So what do you think of the iPhone 3G S?

[image via Apple]

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